


The Stages of a Dying Sun

by clenchedhands



Series: KenHina [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Avoidant Personality Disorder, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3885448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clenchedhands/pseuds/clenchedhands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A red supergiant star approaches its death slowly but spectacularly. Its fuel runs out so it can no longer shine. The core of the dying sun becomes so dense that eventually it starts to collapse on itself under the extreme pressure.</p><p>Hinata collapses. No one is there to see the resulting supernova, but everyone feels the blackhole left in the aftermath.</p><p>(Please read the notes.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Supergiant Star

**Author's Note:**

> so this is basically a vent piece. no relationships in this unless u squint rlly hard i guess. PLEASE DO NOT READ if you think you will triggered! there are graphic depictions of self harm and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Edit: HEY SUP its been a while lmaoooo sorry. I went back and changed some things in this chapter and ill actually be updating this. the above is untrue now (abt relationships), i decided kenhina to be a thing in this. the TW still applies!!!

_**i.** _

_**A red supergiant star approaches its death slowly but spectacularly. Its fuel runs out so it can no longer shine. The core of the dying sun becomes so dense that eventually it starts to collapse on itself under the extreme pressure.** _

* * *

  
Hinata Shouyo stared down at his legs, the red rivers running down them were starting to dry and a glint of sharp metal was half hidden under a towel. Hinata’s hands were trembling and slick with blood. He stared at the wall across from where he sat on his bed. The back of the Small Giant was eye level on the poster. Hinata vaguely thinks about how that was a gift from Kenma, back when he went to an official volleyball match and they were selling old signed posters. Hinata remembers the first time he saw the small giant in that TV display and tries to hold on to the feeling of hope he felt back then. It doesn’t work. Just as he turns away, his phone lights up with a message from Kenma.

**Kenma:**

hey

i cant sleep

...

u up?

Hinata glances at his phone, barely even registering the notification sound. The clock reads 2:08 am and Hinata’s mind is going a million miles an hour thinking about cleaning up the cuts and the homework he didn’t do and that one time nearly ten years ago when he went to the beach and found a dead baby crow, its wings crumpled and the blood and the blood and the-  _“there’s blood everywhere,”_  he thinks, strangely calm as he walks to the bathroom. He ignores the buzzing of his phone as Kenma texts him again.

 _“I better clean up. The last thing I need is an infection and people asking questions,”_  Hinata cleans the cuts methodically barely even thinking about the hand movements. He knows that tomorrow he’ll have to change out of everyones view and that practicing without causing the cuts to bleed again will be difficult. By the time Hinata falls asleep the sun is peaking over the horizon. His dreams are blurry and discordant. Snapshots of laughter, and bloody wrists, and cliched funerals with rain scatter in his brain leaving him confused and even more tired than before in the morning. The sunlight streams through the off-white curtains and Hinata lets out a sigh, watching the swirl and planetary movements of the dust motes circling overhead. He hears Natsu make noise downstairs and his mom call out to him. He dressed quickly and trudged down stairs.

“Goodmorning, brother!” Natsu ran to Hinata, a banana in one hand. She held it out to him, "Breakfast!" Hinata hoped that the bags under his eyes weren’t too noticeable. He took the banana, and peeled it slowly.

“Good morning, sunshine,” he gave a small smile that was interrupted by a yawn. “I’m heading out now,” Hinata called once he was done eating and had gathered all his school things. Outside it was warm and the cicadas were beginning to buzz.  _“Maybe if I kill myself during the summer no one will notice when school resumes,”_  Hinata’s mind wandered to these thoughts frequently as the school’s end approached. He thought about the first smile that was false. The beginning to this cycle of self hate. It was at the beginning of his last year in middle school and soon, even after the high of a game well played he felt heavy and sad. Hinata had seen the signs, he knew his depression was coming back, but he had ignored them. Now he knew they were there, but he just didn’t care anymore. His first fake smile was made out of selfishness, because he didn’t want to deal with the questions that would follow a frown. Now it was almost the end of Hinata’s first year and he hadn’t smiled genuinely in months. But the only person who had really noticed was Kenma, and as a result Hinata stopped talking to him out of fear he would be found out. Hinata pushed away the thoughts that told him that wasn't the only reason he ignored Kenma. Really, he didn't want to hurt his former boyfriend more than he already had.

As Hinata rounded the corner that brought Karasuno High into view he remembered the first time he cut, halfway through middle school. How the pain made him flinch and the shock of color brought tears and shame. Hinata idly itched at the bandage on his leg barely noticing that it began to bleed again. He walked into the school and changed his shoes clenching his fist to drive away the negative thoughts. The school day was when he had to keep up appearances.  _“I have to be alright, I don’t want them to ask me things, I don’t want to deal with it. I have to look ok…”_  Hinata turned to go to class walking straight into someone.

“Oi dumbass, watch where you’re going.” Kageyama’s scowling face startled Hinata out of his brief reverie. “So can you come?”

“Come where?” Hinata asked realizing that Kageyama had probably been talking to him for a while now. He looked at Kageyama, trying and failing to make eye contact. Kageyama’s scowl was replaced for a moment by a look of concern.

“The study session with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. I Invited you last week,” they started to head toward their classes.

“I’m busy then,” Hinata replied brusquely. “Have to watch Natsu.”

“Alright, but remember to study,” Kageyama called as Hinata walked away. Kageyama called over his shoulder, “See you at lunch.”

Hinata mumbled a farewell, going to his own class and slumping into a chair. He rested his chin on his hand and prepared for a day of avoiding people and false reassurance that, yes, everything is fine. As the day wears on Hinata thinks of the time Sugawara noticed the faded scars on his thighs, hips and upper arms. Hinata had been scared that Suga would be disgusted, but he only rolled up his sleeve and said “We all recover. I believe in you.” A year ago this was a comforting thought, but now Hinata felt only bitter.  _“Not everyone,”_  he thought. The bell rang and it was already lunch time. Since they had different homerooms Kageyama and Hinata only saw each other every other lunch. Hinata ate quickly, barely talking to Kageyama and when class resumed Hinata started picking at the bandages unconsciously again. Practice rolls around too quickly for Hinata and he’s rushing to the locker rooms to get changed before anyone gets there. Luckily the gym is unlocked and Hinata finished changing just as Daichi and Sugawara walk in.

“You’re early,” Daichi states starting to change.

“Yeah I got out of class earlier than I thought I would…” Hinata trails off edging towards the door into the gym.

“That’s alright, of course,” Suga smiled at him, changing as well. “Could you pull out the balls?”

“Yeah sure,” Hinata goes off to the equipment room and when he comes out of the returns with the ball cart most of the team was there either changing or on the court stretching. Kageyama gives him a weird look before grabbing a ball from the cart tossing it up repeatedly. The practice continues as normal, although Hinata’s teammates are starting to notice his avoidance to engage in the banter going on. Hinata’s spikes are a little bit off every single time, and even the super quicks aren’t as effective. By the end Hinata is exhausted with keeping up his half-hearted smiles and all he wants to do is sleep and just disappear. But, his teammates aren't completely ignorant. Hinata excuses himself for the bathroom to change before the others and as he’s leaving the gym Suga stops him.

“Are you alright, Hinata?” Suga’s smiling normally, but his eyes are full of concern. “You’ve been acting very… distant lately.”

“Yeah. Of course. I’m fine.” Hinata tries to turn away, but Suga still has hold of his arm. Hinata clenches his fist and swears quietly, the urgency to get away building up in his chest and he feels like he might burst.  _“What if Suga knows? What if he asks? I don’t want to deal with this I just want to leave I hate him I hate everyone, why do they all care so much?”_  Hinata starts breathing a bit faster as Suga says, “Ok but, we’re all here for you. Please talk to me if you need to. Don't to anything rash.”

 _“The most rash thing I’ve done is stay alive,”_  Hinata thinks miserably before nodding and flashing a faltering smile at Suga. Suga lets go and Hinata all but sprints home. Once he’s at home he rushed into the shower tearing at the bandages and scratching at the cuts until a couple start to bleed again. The water turns light pink at his feet and Hinata lets out a frustrated groan. As the water runs down Hinata’s cheeks he allows himself a bit of selfishness and thinks that maybe, just maybe someone did care.  _“How stupid. No one cares.”_  Hinata reaches for the razor. His movements are mechanical as he cuts along his left arm, up high where a t-shirt would cover. Hinata sighs barely registering the feeling. The water turns darker along with Hinata’s thoughts.


	2. Red Giant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The build up to the state Hinata Shouyo is in now has been slow. Slow enough that no one really noticed until it was far, far too late. 
> 
> But when Kenma comes to visit, Hinata is forced to face reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back and better than ever

_**ii.** _

 

_**The star becomes cooler, as it begins its decline into death. The density increases, as it shrinks to a tenth of its former size. Soon it will heat up again, only to explode, shattering across the universe.** _

* * *

 

_The wind whispers, the words just too soft to make out. Their rustling feels wrong, as if the leaves were speaking ill of him. The shine of the sun fills his vision, bright on a seemingly perfect summer afternoon. Hinata sighs, and lays back on the grass, trying to relax despite the continued noise from the trees. The sun grows brighter, heating his face. He closes his eyes, slipping in and out of sleep. “It’s so warm… too warm,” Hinata realizes, his eyes snapping open. But his realization comes too late. The sun that was once a source of comfort, of life, was now too hot and too blinding. It’s heat is oppressive at first, but soon progresses to downright painful, burning everything in its view. Hinata screams as his skin cracks under the heat, as his bones char and crumble, as he becomes nothing but ash blowing in the wind._

Hinata wakes with a sharp inhale, causing him to cough on his own spit. His alarm is going off, and he smacks it to stop its persistent beeping. As he starts to get out of bed, he winces at the pain blooming across his legs and arms. Slowly, Hinata pulls at one of the bandages and his eyes widened at the sight. This was the worst damage he’s done, even compared to when he tried to kill himself three years before. He would need to stitch this up. He looks at the clock, and sees there’s not enough time to do that right now. Cursing, Hinata grabs some butterfly bandaids, hastily applying them before getting dressed. 

Hinata’s phone buzzes as he exits his house, saying a hasty goodbye to his mother and sister.

 

**Kenma:**

shouyo

please talk to me

im worried

**Hinata:**

Sorry ive been swamped with end of the year stuff

You know how it gets 

**Kenma:**

… kageyama told me you’ve been off lately

are you sure youre ok???

 

Hinata mumbled a curse as he continued down the side walk, Karasuno coming into view in the distance. Great, Kageyama has tattled. Hinata knew that it would be hard to lie to Kenma. It always was. Kenma’s eyes seemed to pierce right through Hinata’s facade even through the phone.

 

**Hinata:**

Yea im rlly fine!

How r you?

**Kenma:**

actually, classes are already done for me

im in miyagi right now, with kuro

I was going to stop by after your classes to say hi

 

_“Shit, shit, shit!”_ Hinata begins to panic. If there’s one person who will see right through him it’s Kenma. He can already imagine the pity in Kenma’s eyes, his soft touch that once made him sigh contentedly. But that was before, when Hinata was living in a bubble, one that was now popped. He remembers the day Kenma brushed his lips against his own, the day they played video games until late in the night and kissed under the covers in Hinata's room. He remembers it as though it were a dream, as if it happened in a different life. Of course he also remembers the bitter tears he shed even though it was his fault they were no longer together. Kenma never really knew what happened, only that one day he looked at Hinata and the light in his eyes had gone out, and that the next day Hinata was saying they should take a break. Since then, Kenma had made several attempts to try and figure out why Hinata had seemingly stopped caring. But, the school year picked up, with finals approaching like an oncoming train. Hinata told himself that he didn't miss Kenma, that it would be worse if Kenma knew why he had retreated into himself. He couldn't stand the idea of hurting Kenma in any way, and so, he tried his best to make Kenma stop caring.

 

**Hinata:**

Uhhh idk I mean im really busy

I wouldnt want to bore u

Plus youre with kuro so

**Kenma:**

he has plans with other friends

we havent talked in a while

 

Guilt fills Hinata’s mind. If only there was practice tonight, then he would have an excuse. Although Kenma would most likely come to practice. How was he supposed to face Kenma? The only conversations they’ve had since breaking up was small talk here and there. Hinata knew he couldn’t avoid him, and he already felt shitty enough without making Kenma upset as well. 

 

**Kenma: **

... 

i miss u

 

Before Hinata knew what he was doing, he had replied that he could come over. Looking at the message that he just sent, his panic began to rise again. Hinata wishes the day to go slowly, to allow him to come up with excuses to tell Kenma. It’s useless though, as most things seem to be nowadays, and he is sitting in his first class before he knows it, the clock ticking as if it were counting down to an explosion. In no time the class was over. The chatter around him as the class ended surrounded him and he wearily lifted his backpack and began to walk to the bathroom, looking for an escape from the noise. When Hinata arrives he splashes ice cold water on his face and looks in the mirror. What looks back at him doesn’t even look alive. The bags under Hinata’s eyes are like ink stains, and his usually fluffy hair is lying limp as if it too has lost the will to live. “ _Ah man I really look bad… ha I guess I’m not fooling anyone. They just don’t care.”_ Hinata uses the restroom, careful of the bandages rubbing against his pants, washes his hands and opens the door.  The afternoon classes begin, and for once Hinata was aware of his surroundings.

 

“Man, I feel bad. Should we, like, tell the councelor?”

“I dunno I mean… maybe it isn’t any of our business.”

“Yeah you're probably right.”

 

Hinata’s teeth grind as he hears this when the class has a moment to talk amongst themselves. At one point, they might have talked together, laughing and making plans to hang out for the weekend. He looks over, almost challenging them to keep talking, but is only met with eyes filled with pity and sympathy. Hinata’s gaze breaks and his stomach fills with bile. Of course they just see him as weak. That's what he is after all. The glimmer of life that showed itself for just a moment in Hinata’s thoughts is gone, leaving him feeling even more empty. The talented, incredible, boisterous boy who had once radiated with warmth that rivaled the sun disappeared again, drowning in self loathing. It wasn’t even worth the energy to be sad over how well his life had been going. Hinata didn’t care anymore.

As the final bell rang Hinata began to brace himself for the scrutiny Kenma will surly have for him. Excuses cycled through his head and he chose which one would sound most convincing. Perhaps if he acted distant enough Kenma would just give up like everyone else had. 

 

_“Pathetic.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS
> 
> im back! id just like to mention that i was in a really bad place when i started this, and it was entirely self indulgent, catering to my depression at that time. i didnt update because tbh, it was kinda feeding into my unhealthy thinking. BUT! now im doing so so so much better (... ik its been literal years but thats just how it goes). i can return to writing this, without feeling like shit. 
> 
> i also wanted to say that the ending i had planned is going to change. i had planned that hinata would succeed in killing himself, but i have realized that that might inspire someone to attempt, and i would hate for that to happen. perhaps im being a bit dramatic but i believe transparency is a good thing to have when writing about this stuff, so i just wanted to let everyone know.
> 
> additionally, i havent really been watching a lot of anime lately and i kinda had to brush up on my haikyuu knowledge lmao so im sorry if i mess a detail up!
> 
> and for those of you who are reading this, and thinking that they can relate all too well, dont be afraid to talk to me. my tumblr is @clenchedhands.


	3. Red Dwarf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look at me.” Hinata peered into Kenma’s golden eyes. His heart hammered in his chest. All the feelings he worked so hard to bury came bubbling up in an instant.

_** iii. ** _

__

_** The Red Dwarf Star burns slowly over the course of hundreds of billions of years. It's light is cool, and will soon dim before heating into  White Dwarf. The star's end is soon. ** _

* * *

 

Hinata arrives home, sighing in relief as he reads the note on the fridge. “Natsu and I are at her friends birthday party, won’t be back until later. Leftovers are in the fridge. -Love, Mom” He put his stuff away before sitting on the couch, turning on the TV as background noise. Hinata’s mom had idly suggested he go to see a therapist again during dinner a couple weeks ago, her voice struggling to keep the concern in it at bay. Hinata had immediately said he was fine, that it was just the approaching exams stressing him out. She bought it, but Hinata knew that wouldn’t last long. He really was beginning to look as terrible as he felt.  The doorbell rang, jarring Hinata from his thoughts. Was it already three? Cursing under his breath he went to the door and peered through the peep-hole. Looking back was Kenma, who was tapping on his phone as he waited for Hinata to open the door. Hinata briefly considered not opening it, but he knew that Kenma would call his mom, which would just bring more attention to him. Hinata opened the door, letting Kenma in.

Kenma observed Hinata, his expression nonchalant. Hinata knew that he was analyzing the situation. Their eyes met, and Hinata broke away first. Kenma’s expression changed the slightest bit, Kuroo probably being the only person other than Hinata who could notice it. Kenma definitely saw right through him, and Hinata could practically hear the gears turning in his head. He fought hard to keep a look of distaste out of his eyes, and was vaguely shocked to find he was actually feeling bitter towards Kenma.

“Uh, did you want to play on the X-box?” Hinata tried to shift Kenma’s attention away from him just standing there and staring. Kenma walked over to the couch, grabbed the remote, and turned the volume down.

“No, I think we should catch up.” Kenma’s eyes were kind, and Hinata’s breath hitched in both anxiety and remorse. “Come sit.” Kenma patted the space next to him. Without any other choice but to follow, Hinata sat down and stared at the palms of his hands. They were trembling and he curled them into fists to try and stop it. Kenma was still studying his face, as if it held the answer for the meaning of life. Hinata blushed. He had forgotten how intense Kenma was. And how cute. Guilt ripped through him, tenfold than earlier. Hinata knew this was hurting Kenma, even though he had tried so hard to push him away. Kenma took one of Hinata’s shaking hands. Hinata shivered despite the room being pleasantly warm. Kenma had a way of commanding attention, and he employed that now.

“Look at me.” Hinata peered into Kenma’s golden eyes. His heart hammered in his chest. All the feelings he worked so hard to bury came bubbling up in an instant. All his hard work was undone in that one moment. Hinata’s eyes began to water, the tears sliding down his face. The room was silent as Hinata cried noiselessly. Kenma’s gaze softened, then became heartbroken, his nonchalance officially gone. He wrapped his arms around Hinata, one hand tangling itself in his bright hair. Hinata’s mind froze and he just sat there in Kenma’s embrace, tears now dampening Kenma’s shoulder. 

Hinata’s tears turned into those of frustration and he pulled back with a jerk, standing suddenly. “Why can’t you leave me alone? Why do you care?” Hinata’s voice shook and his eyes became wild with fear. “I’m worthless, why can’t you see that, why can’t you just let me die? Why?” 

His voice rose until it was almost a shout, before dropping to a whisper.

“I don’t want you here.”

Kenma remained sitting, his gaze remained soft and genuine. Hinata’s whole body shook as he began to sob in earnest. He was holding onto himself, his hands gripping at his sleeves. Kenma only stood, taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom. Hinata followed like a lost child and sat down on the bed. Kenma pulled the chair by the desk out so that he was facing Hinata, only half a foot away. He took Hinata’s hands again, this time bringing them up to his lips. He kissed them briefly before letting them rest between them, still holding on. 

“I know… I know I haven’t been as supportive as I could have been.” Golden eyes fixed on brown, keeping Hinata’s gaze as though he was pulled by some magnetic force. “I thought maybe you didn’t want me to be your friend. Kuroo pointed out how stupid I was being.” 

Kenma gave a tiny smile, shaking his head. Hinata’s breaths were still shallow, and he was hooked on every word that came out of Kenma’s mouth. “I thought that you didn’t love me and that’s why you pushed me away. Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t see that you were just trying to protect me. Hell, I’ve done the same thing to Kuroo.” Hinata’s eyes were wide. How did Kenma see right through him? His mind was like the sea during a hurricane, choppy waters drowning over every thought.

“But I am here now, whether or not you want me to be.” The determination in Kenma’s voice was unmistakable. Briefly, Hinata wondered if he could say he didn’t love Kenma to get him to leave and let him rot. But once Kenma got like this, it would be impossible to get him to change his mind. Besides, Hinata knew he wouldn’t be able to say it as though it were true. So instead he just sobbed harder and allowed Kenma to hold him.

“Hinata? We’re home!” Both Hinata and Kenma turned their heads, startled. Hinata’s mom walked up to the door and knocked. “Can I come in?”

Hinata couldn’t open his mouth so Kenma replied, “Yes, hello Hinata-san.” She looked a bit taken aback, and obviously didn’t know kenma would be here. Hinata was ducking behind him, trying to keep his tear soaked face out of view.

“Ah, Kenma! I haven’t seen you in a while. Well, just wanted to check in. You two have a good night.” Hinata looked at the clock, startled to see it was almost six at night. They had been sitting together in each others arms for almost forty-five minutes. Hinata was about to speak when his stomach rumbled. He hadn’t eaten a full meal in almost two days. His face flushed and Kenma let out a small laugh.

“I guess some things never change.” Kenma could tell Hinata was still overwhelmed, and so he told him he would grab something for him to eat. He returned with a plate of warmed up leftovers and two forks. Hinata and Kenma ate silently and slowly. The food tasted a bit less like the ash Hinata had been eating for the last two months. When he was done he let out a yawn, then reached out for Kenma’s hand. Silently he moved further into the bed and lied down on his side. All the emotions Hinata had been bottling up has erupted in the past hour or so, and he was utterly exhausted. He still felt shitty, and still felt that he should give up, but now there was a (very) tiny speck of hope. Kenma climbed in after him, and threw his arm across, pulling in close.

“Thank you.” Hinata’s voice was so low Kenma strained to hear it even in the silent room. It was the first and last thing Hinata had said since his first outburst. In the next second Hinata was asleep, and Kenma said you’re welcome to the air.

Hinata’s dreams weren’t as troubling as usual, and he slept deeply without interruption. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is! a bit shorter than the others but...... i like how it turned out. im thinking about two more chapters! hmu on tumblr @clenchedhands and please, leave some feedback!


	4. White Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light filtered through Hinata’s drawn curtains, and Kenma slowly opened his eyes. The boy beside him was curled in on himself, his breathing soft and steady.

_ iv: _

_ Did you know that the stars you see, twinkling in the night sky, are just imprints of their actual lives? They are so far away that by the time the light reaches out eyes, the star is likely to already be dead, its particles spread in the space as the result of an unseen supernova.  _

 

* * *

 

Light filtered through Hinata’s drawn curtains, and Kenma slowly opened his eyes. The boy beside him was curled in on himself, his breathing soft and steady. Kenma reached out, brushing back Hinata’s hair from his face, tenderly stroking the soft locks. Kenma’s heart was tight, and he felt tears pricking at his eyes as he looked at Hinata’s tired face. The bags under his eyes were dark despite the full night’s sleep he just had, and one of the bandages on his arm had come loose, scabs and dried blood peeking out. The dark brown contrasted the lighter skin of the underside of his wrists. Kenma reached out with a trembling hand, his fingers just barely ghosting over the cut. He felt sick to think that Hinata was in so much pain and that he hadn’t been there for him. The tears he had been trying to hold back fell now, teardrops dotting the sheets between them. Kenma drew in a measured breath and willed the tears away, wiping the last of them as Hinata’s eyes fluttered open. For a moment Hinata didn’t know what was going on and he threw an arms around Kenma’s waist, drawing close and breathing a heavy sigh. However the peace was abruptly broken as Hinata’s cuts dragged against Kenma’s shirt, causing dull pain to light up his arm.

With a groan Hinata pulled back to see Kenma’s eyes trained on him. There was a slight crease in between his brown and he reached out his hand to hold Hinata’s. Last night came flooding back into Hinata’s sleep ridden brain and instinctively, his face became an emotionless mask. Kenma’s lips pressed together, not unknowing to the change in demeanor. However his expression remained soft. Hinata was frozen, his mind only just waking up. There was suppressed panic in his chest and flashes of what happened last night flitted through his head. Hinata brought his eyes up to see Kenma looking at his arm, several emotions mixed on his face. Hinata tried to jerk back his hand, the panic rising, but Kenma’s grip was firm. Their eyes met, and a look of grim determination was on Kenma’s face. They hadn’t been this close in months, and Hinata was struck with how familiar Kenma was. His golden eyes framed by thick lashes, his full lips curved into a tiny frown, his now almost entirely black pulled half back in a messy bun. Hinata’s chest tightened as he thought about how much he loved Kenma, and realized that despite all he tried to do to keep Kenma away, he still loved him. Pain sharp and bitter ripped through Hinata now as he thought about how he had hut Kenma. 

“Shouyou.” Kenma’s low voice pulled him out of his turbulent thoughts. “Come.”

Kenma pulled Hinata to the bathroom, his hand still firm. The determination on his face was in his voice as well, and Hinata knew it wasn’t worth it to try and fight back. Pushing his emotions down, Hinata kept his mind as blank as possible in an attempt to get through whatever was about to happen. Kenma flicked on the light and grabbed a washcloth, running it under warm water. He still knew where everything was and he took out some antiseptic ointment and fresh bandages. With deft hands and gentle fingers Kenma cleaned the dried blood, making sure not to disturb the scabs. Hinata’s efforts to push aside his emotions faltered as a single tear slid down Kenma’s face to land on Hinata’s bandaged wrist. Kenma led him back to the bed as one would lead a small child, and brought them to sit besides each other. With a calculated inhale and exhale, Kenma turned to Hinata, his eyes piercing him.

“I’m not going to leave you. Not ever, not until I know you’re safe.” Hinata’s breath quickened. This was a mistake, he realized, distress rising in his lungs quickening his breath. He knew that Kenma was stubborn and that he wouldn’t be able to play this off.

“Shouyou. Shouyou, breath with me.” Kenma took in slow breaths, exhaling steadily. They sat for a while, Hinata’s breathing beginning to even out again. Kenma pushed aside his love for Hinata and his terror that he had been so close to losing him. This wasn’t about his feelings, this was about making sure Hinata was safe. It was the weekend, and Hinata’s mother and sister had gone out to grab groceries. “I’m going to make coffee, do you want any?”

Hinata shook his head, allowing Kenma to lead him again, this time going to the kitchen. Kenma went through a couple cabinets, drawing out two bowls and spoons along with milk and cereal. He poured in, placing one bowl in front of Hinata. They ate slowly, Hinata’s brain still trying to respond to everything that happened within the last twenty-four hours. He had tried in vain for so long to not care about anyone, thinking it would be easier when he left if no one cared about him and he cared about no one. This was an obvious lie, and even though Hinata didn’t really think it would work, he had held on to it with all his being. His minds was slowly seeing that Kenma was going to force him to be okay. And while most of Hinata was terrified of the prospect of even trying to get better, a tiny grain of hope stuck to the back of his mind. 

The day went by slowly, and while Hinata was not even close to happy, he was at least a bit more at peace. They went to the park, Kenma chatting about what happened in the days they hadn’t talked. Hinata, who used to be the one to fill up silences, was greatful that Kenma was putting in so much effort to keep his mind off at the horrible shit going on in his brain. Kenma got on the phone and made an appointment with Hinata’s long forgotten therapist and psychiatrist, sparing Hinata from having to do it himself. They walked around the neighborhood, Kenma stopping to pet a cat on the sidewalk. They held hands, almost all day and for the first time in a long, long while, Hinata felt comfortable. They returned home, climbed in bed and put on a movie in the background. 

Kenma was in the middle of a story about how Kuroo got himself kicked out of his health class for making inappropriate comments when Hinata leaned forward and pressed his lips into Kenma’s. Kenma, who had been so carefully making a point of not forcing Hinata to do too much, was taken aback. Hinata’s hands went into Kenma’s hair and they tumbled into the pillow, side by side and turned towards each other. Hinata breathed deeply, his chapped lips still against Kenma’s much softer ones. His hands gripped a bit tighter in Kenma’s hair, and he closed his eyes, leaning forward again. This time Kenma pulled back a bit to which Hinata’s stomach filled with panic.

Instead of rebuke, Kenma just said, “Are you sure? I don’t want to push you…” His eyes were fixed on Hinata’s, brows pulled together in concern. Hinata nodded his head and Kenma relaxed, eye drawing half-closed as they kissed again. Kenma’s hand moved to caress Hinata’s cheek as their mouths moved gently together, interrupted intermittently by the need for oxygen. The kisses were soft and slow, filling their chests with warmth. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Hinata smiled genuinely. It was small, laced with a bit of sadness, but there nonetheless, pressed against Kenma’s cheek.

 

***             *             *              ***

 

Hinata knew that as soon as the weekend ended he was going to have to face getting help. But right now he was in a bubble, and he held on to it desperately, willing it not to burst. The hurting didn’t stop, nor did the dreams, nor did the invasive negative thoughts. However he found himself feeling the slightest bit calmer at times, in the moments when he otherwise might have felt anxious.

Kenma was simultaneously a source of tough love and unending gentleness. He dragged Hinata outside to take a walk, sat with him in his room in silence, made him tea, and listened as Hinata slowly began to open up. When the end of the weekend approached, Hinata panicked, realizing Kenma would have to go home. 

It was Sunday afternoon, and the two of them were cuddling in Hinata’s bed. Hinata’s mind was racing, and his breath caught, tears slipping down his cheeks and into the pillow. Kenma, who had drifted to sleep, woke to the soft sounds of Hinata crying. With gentle hands, Kenma turned Hinata towards him so they were face to face. His thumb brushed away one of the tears, and his eyes were practically glowing in the dim light.

“What’s wrong?” Although Kenma’s question came out as a soft whisper, Hinata flinched as if it had been yelled. He opened his mouth, but no words came out, so instead Hinata grasped Kenma’s hands and held them in an iron grip. 

“It’s okay, Shouyo,” Kenma brought their intertwined hands up to his lips, placing a kiss atop them. “I’ll call you every day.”

Although the angle was awkward, with their hands squished between them, Kenma leaned froward and kissed Hinata’s damp cheek. When he moved back, he kept their foreheads touching. Hinata tried to copy Kenma’s slow deep breathing, and felt the tightness in his chest start to unwind. On the nightstand, Hinata’s phone buzzed. His phone had been turned off all weekend, knowing there would be an influx of texts from his worried friends. Kenma turned it on earlier so they could set up the find your friends app. Hinata took a deep breath and then reached around, grabbing the phone. Only four messages. He could handle four messages. He disentangled himself and swiped the phone open, the light glowing softly in his face. There was one message from Suga and two from Kageyama.

 

**Suga:**

Hey, I know we talked earlier, I just wanted to check in, everything good?

**Hinata:**

ty for checking in. I was actually feeling pretty crappy earlier and I really appreciated you coming to talk to me

Im sorry I seemed so distance Ive been having some trouble

But thank you, Im better now

**Suga:**

oh, hey hinata! Im so glad to hear from you

And its ok. If you need a break from practice just let me know

Daichis next to me and he says hes happy youre feeling better

**Hinata:**

Thank you both

**Suga:**

Np :)))

 

Hinata paused, his finger hovering over Kageyama’s contact. He felt guilty again, Kageyama may be rough around the edges, but he was always there for his friends. Kenma reached out and smoothed his fingers in between Hinata’s brows. Startled out of his brooding, Hinata looked up and forced his face to relax. This was going to be difficult, but he knew he couldn’t ignore Kageyama forever. If he kept ignoring him, he’d probably just show up at Hinata’s house unannounced. Hinata smiled at Kenma before looking back at hi phone and steeling himself.

 

**Kageyama:**

I noticed you’ve seemed off. You missed a lot of spikes last practice.

I don’t know if something happened but I hope you know you can talk to me.

**Hinata:**

Im so sorry

Youve always been there for me I should have talked to you

Ive been having some trouble

Thank you for caring

**Kageyama:**

…

Of course. I’m your friend.

I almost followed your stupid butt home.

Hinata could practically see the irritation in Kageyama’s face. He let out a laugh, surprising both himself and Kenma, the latter of which raised an eyebrow. Hinata put one finger up before replying.

**Hinata:**

Youve always sucked at minding your own business I figured I should just tell u before u came snooping ( ￣ヘ￣ )

But really

Thank you.A lot

 

Hinata turned off the screen and put the phone back on the table before turning to Kenma and answering his questioning expression. 

“I was just laughing at Kageyama. He was way too smart to buy my flimsy excuse earlier this week.” Kenma hummed as a reply and looped his arm around Hinata, yawning in the process.

“I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t think anyone bought it.” Kenma mumbled this against Hinata’s forhead who sighed.

“Yeah… “ They lapsed into silence and Kenma watched as the sliver of light coming through the curtains traveled across the room before fading as the sun set. When he looked at Hinata’s face again, he was sleeping. Kenma reached his hand up and stroked Hinata’s hair before closing his own eyes and drifting off. As he fell asleep his final thoughts went towards preparing for tomorrow. It would be a hard day, but hopefully the first of many towards recovery.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HMmmmmmmmm how is it? lmk! im thinking one or two more chapters left??? anyway thanks for reading! catch me on tumblr at clenchedhands
> 
> EDIT: hey i added some more to this chapter instead of startin a new one bc this one was kinda short and the next one will be pretty long.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu looks up at him and says, “You’re laughing again! You haven’t in a while, I missed it.”
> 
> Hinata looks into her eyes, so much like his own. He smiles at her and kisses her forehead. “I’ll be doing a lot more laughing from now on, I promise.”

**_v._ **

**_No one really knows what happens when you enter a black hole, however most agree you would simply die, rushed by the impossible pressure. They call the center a singularity, an infinitely small space with an infinite amount of gravitational pull._ **

**_Everything is drawn in, and consumed._ **

 

* * *

 

 

It has been exactly two days and seven hours since Hinata had an emergency meeting with his therapist. New meds, new appointments; Kenma reminds him to take baby steps. So he does. Pick up the meds, step. Email his teachers for the missing homework that’s piled up, step. Call Kageyama, explain and apologize (“You dumbass, why are you apologizing?”), step. Cry in his mother’s arms, step. Throw away the razors, step.

Hinata knew that this would be difficult, but he also knew it would be possible. He hadn’t thought that in a long, long time. And, he doesn’t truly believe it will work. A part of this stays in his brain, like a parasite, telling him it doesn’t matter what he does, he will never feel better. Learning that this part of him may never leave, that he must endure it and continue to push forward is one of the hardest things he’s done. Mental illness will not give you a time out. It will not let you have a moment to yourself, it will not feel sympathetic and back off. No, Hinata has to do this for himself, has to fight against all the odds - and the odds are numerous. 

Things don’t get easier at first, but he doesn’t expect them to. Practice is still difficult, but it is the one thing he wants to challenge himself with. If he can make it to every practice, it proves that he has some strength to overcome this, even if it isn’t a lot. The first day back to practice is one of the most difficult days since he began to actively seek out help. He still arrived early to change, not wanting any questions. It wasn’t that he thought his teammates would make fun of him, but not everyone needed to know such a personal thing. Hinata speaks to Suga, who replies with a very long hug and a teary-eyed smile. Soon, his careless mistakes become less and less and he gets back into the groove of things. His spikes return to their normal ferocity, and his smiles grow a bit wider with each passing day. 

Hinata loves his mother dearly, and feels a distinct pang of guilt when he speaks to her at last, telling her how he feels. They spend a night staying up late, baking brownies and crying after Natsu goes to sleep. She asks him to show her his arms, and Hinata really doesn’t want to, really doesn’t want to make him mom cry even more. But her tone is firm and her eyes are determined. _You are my baby_ , she says, _and I will kiss all of your injuries better_. Hinata still feels like the worst son in the world, to which his mother looks into his eyes and says, almost angrily, that e is the best son any mother could ever ask for. He doesn’t quite believe it, but it’s a start. The next morning he scoops up Natsu and hugs her small giggling body. 

Natsu looks up at him and says, “You’re laughing again! You haven’t in a while, I missed it.”

Hinata looks into her eyes, so much like his own. He smiles at her and kisses her forehead. “I’ll be doing a lot more laughing from now on, I promise.”

He sees a therapist every week, and a nurse practitioner every month. Afterwards, he is always emotionally exhausted, and just wishes he could curl up and sleep. And the first couple of times he does, until Kageyama, true to his word, shows up at his house unannounced and drags him out to the park nearby. Hinata was usually the talkative one in their relationship, but after explaining in depth what was going on, Kageyama took his turn to talk. He talked of middle school, and the bullying he went through, he talked of how his parents just let him do whatever he wanted. He talked about things that not even Hinata knew until that moment and when he finished he looked at Hinata, eyes clear, sharp, and serious, and said, _now you have no reason not to talk to me_. 

There are still bad days, but on those days instead of isolating himself, he calls Kenma or Kageyama. They don’t necessarily talk about mental health issues, sometimes all he needs is to have a conversation where he isn’t so wrapped up in his head anymore. He forces himself to go for a walk where he would have usually stayed in, taking time to let the sunlight fall on his face. Before he knows it, finals are approaching. He knows he won’t do as well as he has done in the past, he just spent too much time not paying attention in class. But, of course, he does better than he expects, even earning a couple A’s. 

Kenma comes over for a weekend, right after exams, and they go to an end of the year party. It’s a barbecue, and for once he wears a tank top. The scars are light, mostly unnoticeable in the evening glow. He and Kenma hold hands, and he eats too much watermelon, annoying Kenma thoroughly by spitting the seeds at him. He joins in the laughter of his friends, soaking in the positivity. They have a bonfire, the flames reflecting off everyone’s content faces. Hinata heaves a sigh, and Kenma looks at him and eyebrow raised. But Hinata just shakes his head and smiles. 

“I’m just happy, Kenma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAND HERE IT IS! the end. finally. lmao this took literal years in the making? i think i will be editing this, and shifting things around, maybe even adding an epilogue or smth. its weird bc i started writing this so long ago that my writing style has totally changed, and now the flow is a bit weird. 
> 
> i hope everyone liked it, this was a very emotional piece for me. i made an alternate ending to it, and its one of my favorite things ive every written so if you could take a look that would be great. it's the last thing in this series, so you can click the link below labeled "KenHina" to get to it. theres also an nsfw epilogue thing there if u wnt to check that out.
> 
> please, let me know what you thought. you can find me over on tumblr, clenchedhands.tumblr.com.
> 
> again thank you sm for reading, it means the world to me :).


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